Telling your kids about divorce is a conversation that they will remember the rest of their lives. I guarantee it! Obviously, there is no one easy way to tell your kids that you are getting a divorce. For this reason, parents may choose to enlist the help of a therapist or counselor to coach them about how best to tell their children about the divorce or to facilitate that discussion in their office. Let’s face it, this conversation will change your kids’ lives forever. We must remember change can be healthy and there are plenty of folks who are well adjusted, happy people whose parents got a divorce.
Now, back to the conversation that they will remember forever... Below are some simple and effective rules that you should follow that will help alleviate some of the pressure of this all-important conversation.
First and foremost, do not tell your kids you are getting a divorce until you are absolutely certain that this decision is final. No ifs, ands or buts about it. If you have decided to have this all-important conversation, you are for sure getting a divorce. Too many times parents separate and get back together which leads to confusion and emotional instability for children. Kids of all different ages come see me in therapy and say, “Now my parents are back together. My dad says they are still getting a divorce. My mom says they are back together. I just wish they would make up their minds.” This flipping back and forth is not healthy for children. They do not know what to believe.
Ideally, it is best to have the divorce conversation when both parents are present. It is recommended that you tell children in a comfortable place and timing is everything. It seems obvious, but don’t tell your children you are getting a divorce on their birthday or the day before school starts. They need time to process all of this. Beware, children (even the younger ones) will remember the details of this conversation.
Do not “over share.” In some of the best divorces I have seen, the children are largely unaware why the parents have divorced. Remember children do not want to have to choose sides. They are made up of both parents and their loyalty to each parent will stay firm. Don’t play the blame game. It is unhealthy for children to believe that there is one person to blame for the divorce. Remember it takes two people to make a marriage and two people to get a divorce. Someday kids may gain a full understanding of the situation that triggered their parents’ divorce, but hopefully they will be at an age that they can process this information appropriately.
Make sure the kids hear loud and clear that they are not to blame for the divorce. Almost all children I see will say, “If I had behaved better…” or “If I had done or not done X or Y…,” maybe my parents would not have gotten a divorce. For their own well-being, they need to know that they did not cause their parents to divorce.
Comfort your child. Do not encourage them to comfort you. Reassure your children that they do not have to worry about their parents and that their lives will change as little as possible. Children want to know how this divorce will affect them. It seems selfish, but the healthiest children will really want to know how it is going to change their lives on a day to day basis. Give them as many details that you know (where they will live, if they have to change schools, who will keep the dog, etc.). Do not promise them things that you can’t deliver. Be honest, and, if you do not know an answer to the question, tell the truth. It is okay not to have all the answers.
STAY CALM. If you are out of control, they will feel out of control. If you are anxious, they will be anxious. It is okay to grieve and be sad. It is okay to cry but stay in control of your feelings. Kids feel what you are feeling. Depending on the dynamics of your family, staying calm can be very hard. Remember this conversation is for the children, not you. Stay focused.