What does co-parenting after divorce really mean? Well, simply put, it means both parents continue to play an active role in their child’s life. Sound easy? It is not. Co-parenting is rarely easy. Some people say it is the hardest part of divorce, and it is certainly a lifelong endeavor.
While it is true that you can no longer live with your ex-spouse, this does not reduce the importance of both of you raising your children in the best possible way that you know how. Your ex is a parent to your child as much as you are – no matter how much you might disagree with him or her.
Healthy co-parenting communication leads to fewer misunderstandings and conflicts between the co-parents and a better chance of a healthy, happy children. Good parenting after divorce requires effective communication between co-parents. Here are some of the biggest Dos and Don’ts when co-parenting:
DO:
DO Try to work together as a team especially on very important issues
DO Prioritize which issues absolutely require your input and which do not - there are some things you cannot control and don't need to control
DO Set aside feelings of anger and resentment left over from the divorce and focus on what is in the best interest of your child
DO Set aside your temper during discussions with your ex and in front of your children
DO Demonstrate that your co-parent can trust you
DO Model civility and responsibility
DON'T:
DON'T Let any conflict with your ex cloud your parenting responsibilities
DON'T Assume your ex will go along with everything you plan or suggest
DON'T Jump to conclusions or overreact if you think there is a problem
DON'T Start texting or emailing your ex when your he or she does something that upsets you
DON'T Make character generalizations with statement like “You always ….” or “You never…”
Healthy, age-appropriate communication with your child is very important.
When there's tension between you and your ex, you may want your child to take your side – which puts an extreme strain on your child because your child loves both of you. Speaking derogatorily about your ex when your child can hear you (even if what you say is true) is dangerous. Your child can end up in a loyalty bind and could feel bad about themselves. For example, if you "talk bad” about their father then your child may end up thinking they are “bad” too since they are made up of half of their father’s DNA. Kids love both parents. It is not fair to make them pick which one they love more.
In the end, it is important to have hope and a positive attitude and a willingness to work on the co-parenting relationship. Always keep in mind that different people are going to have different approaches to parenting (perhaps this was one of the reasons you got divorced in the first place) so parenting dilemmas are going to pop up. Co-parenting is a work in progress and sometimes engaging the help of a counselor, or a child specialist, may be quite helpful. The approach in counseling is to create an environment where all the Dos and Don'ts are followed and disagreements are resolved.